Modern times has seen the slaughter of gratitude. In this era of entitlement, gratitude is running short. It is lost behind all of the shelves in large department stores as we repetitiously tell ourselves how much we “need” while turning blind eyes to the truth of the word, “want”. We stalk our neighbors, our friends, our peers for what we lack and in the whisper of a suggestion, we are manipulated into “needing” what they have.
Gratitude is quite the opposite. Rather than relishing in what we want, gratitude is appreciation for what we already have.
Gratitude is knowing that some things in our lives are given from the outside. It can be a figment of nature, God, or others. But the most fundamental element of this gift is that whatever this external source is, it owes us nothing in the process. In other words, gratitude is not a debt that we, or they owe. Being in debt for something given in an obligation. Being in gratitude is to recognize it as a gift.
I was in a relationship for decades in which obligation tore at the seams of our connectedness, if you can even say we had it. In obligation, there is no connectedness. There is only resentment. Spending twenty, some odd years in the pains of guilt for handing over a life of hardship with a typical family to someone is a defeated life. I spent years upon years feeling a need to compensate him for what I got from it, who I was, what I had taken away in growing a large family and not giving the needed attention and coddling to a grown man.
Compensation and obligation are not pleasure. They are pain. As in nearly every circumstance, indebtedness led us both to avoid and even resent each other. Gratitude was a long way off from where we stood.
Even appreciation short changes gratitude. When we outright enjoy the good qualities of another without the thunderstruck awe we have as we gaze upon them, without the humility that gratitude entails, there is an element left to want for.
Relationships grow stale when the benefit of them are expected. To expect a partner to perform in the interest of oneself, then taking them for granted is not only on the horizon, it is a slap in the face. True Gratitude is complete only when expectations are nowhere. If the benefit of being with someone is unexpected, there is a purity in the soul of those whose lives are entwined. Gratitude is feeling genuinely moved by your partner. It goes far beyond appreciation, while expectation never even enters the couple’s arena.
Gratitude is also inspiration. We remember and grow closer to those who inspire rather than provide or teach us. As I look back on my college and high school years, those teachers most endearing to me are those that inspired me. So, too, looking back on my past relationships, those that stifle me and try to put the brakes on my dreams and direction in life are those relationships that I feel the most aversion to. On the other hand, my relationship with Eric is on solid foundation for many reasons, including the fact that he inspires me to write, to teach, to come head to head with my dreams. He urges me on, in his immortal way of touching my passions and my hopes. He never stands in my way and trusts that my happiness can take on aspects that are outside of us both. In knowing this, I can bring more strength to our relationship by seeking fulfillment in my career, my family, and my passions. A relationship without this freedom is, at best unhappy. At worst, it is abuse.
A relationship with stores of spirituality enables our gratitude to connect with something that is larger than ourselves, even larger than ourselves together. It also enables us to connect to sources that are intrinsically good. For example in one failed relationship, my passion for astrophysics was mocked as something that doesn’t matter, while I was criticized for thinking on things that have no consequence in everyday life. “There’s no point,” were words often spoken to me before I learned to not approach my significant other with my passion for quantum theory and interdimensional thoughts on reality. Any contemplation on the miracle of life through God or Nature or both is a thought worth living in. Marveling at existence, reveling in purpose, celebrating life rather than taking it for granted is a detail that any relationship with depth can easily pursue. To believe in something greater than yourself is not only a gift to a relationship, it cements those midnight hours, those dinner time conversations, and the pillow talk of a new day. I have done it both ways. Being with a man who heightens my contemplation on miracles has a direct impact on the joy in life, the tranquility, and the passions that are otherwise hidden under “take it for granted.”
Stepping outside of the relationship to contemplate the external in relation to our inner thoughts, is something that heightens empathy as well. Whether it is in celebration of a moral foundation or merely stepping outside of our heartbreak and seeing the world in a different perspective, acknowledging the existence of such beauty, dissipates loneliness, regret, envy, and anxiety. We are a part of a much bigger picture. To focus only on ourselves or merely each other outside of our stage is not only false, it is self-absorbing. Even contemplation of being given life itself is enough to melt entitlement. It puts the perspective of wanting things into a trivial garbage disposal, leaving room for the reality of the blessings that we do have. We live for life, not for ourselves. Gratitude keeps us there. Gratitude, is indeed, the greatest virtue of all. In fact, it is through gratitude that all other virtues are spawned.
Scientists are finding that spirituality in gratitude has a direct influence on our well-being. It is becoming quite real that the two are not separate entities. Those in gratitude are far more motivated, they experience better health, they are more joyful, and far less anxious in life. Gratitude gives us a relationship with our environment which allows personal accomplishment, self-value, and purpose. It gives meaning to our lives. With this kind of a recipe brought into a relationship, success in such a marriage is a slam-dunk.
In all of this, gratitude pulls in opportunities to make a difference in the lives of other. It is the blood and bone of “coupledom”. The very foundation of purpose is to shed entitlement and set your sights, along with your partner, on the needs of others. Coercion is a natural follow-up of this attitude. That is a very thick foundation for a couple in marriage.
I should insert, here that Christian gratitude is a part of the soul that dictates our actions toward the betterment of others. It is a virtue of the soul. It forms our thoughts into actions of accomplishment that gives the couple a union of meaning. When our heads hit the pillow at the end of long days in the throes of helping others, we feel like we are team players in God’s Universe. Without this element, the rest of the world becomes the enemy encroaching on our own private cocoon. We are no longer mentors in a world of need, but an Army fighting for our own selfish whims.
Our relationship with each other is a reflection of our relationship with God. God, as the ultimate triumph in all that is good, can bring our soul into a marriage. We are far better off with an ally in God, than the couple that finds strength in each other while fighting against a world of demands.
Unfortunately, the social norm today is ingratitude. We are creatures of “selves” Millennials are not the only ingrates in our society. I have seen ingratitude in men and women well into their 60’s. Our society has lost its face in teamwork and synergy. Harmony with others has been replaced with compensation. With compensation comes expectations. It is only natural that such a conflictive force would enter our marriage institutions when it is so engrained in ourselves.
Most of us enter a marriage for what it gives to our own person, as a separate being from the other. If he or she does not measure up, resentment sets in and that leads to sure fire divorce. It isn’t rocket science. It isn’t even Psych 101. It is high school social studies, at most. Yet, we continue to play the game against each other while children suffer the rise of divorce, and in the process learn to live for the betterment of themselves rather than the unity of all. Then the cycle starts all over again.
Ingratitude is a natural waste product of self-indulgence. We wake up every day with entitlements rather than gratitude. We look toward others to hand over their time and resources to us, rather than coming together and fulfilling the needs of others. If our marriages reflect the attitude of our social ills, it is no wonder that out of the fifty percent of marriages still written on paper, half are miserable. In the end, that leaves half of our population divorced, and another twenty-five percent miserable in their circumstance. The sorrowful outcome of these numbers is in the fact that only twenty-five percent of all marriages are founded in partnership and gratitude.
It is natural to blame others. It takes intelligence and humility to realize that sometimes, things happen where no one is to blame, or we are part of the problem. It is natural to be in control. It takes trust and courage to let go of that control and rely on another, whether it is a spouse, God, or the natural consequence of being. It is natural to feed our egos. It takes passiveness and resignation to bow to others outside of ourselves. In a marriage, intelligence, humility, trust, courage, passiveness, and resignation are essentials.
Gratitude in a marriage is a fortune of a fulfilled life. It begins within the marriage and infiltrates the rest of our world. We do not marry for the betterment of our own self. We marry for the betterment of each the “us”, the community, the world. A good marriage can even touch the face of God.
In my marriage with Eric, I have never seen a man more gracious, grateful, and giving. In that I have been able to extend myself out toward my family, my career, my place in our community and to God, Himself, in ways I never had the means to do in any other past relationships I’ve had. As I reflect back in other partnerships, in contrast, I can clearly see I was trapped and I couldn’t see beyond my own trials. My world was small, inconsequential, and sad. Being with a man of gratitude enhances my spirit for the same. It made me a better community member, partner, parent, daughter, and grandparent. His presence in my life even presented the miracle of taking a die-hard atheist and showed me the face of God.
It is with gratitude, I bow to my husband in complete and fulfilled gratitude of everything that touches me today, which is, quite literally, the universe.
Take a Walk With Me 